You said you wanted to go and hangout with some of our friends (which are girls). I said I might not make it and I got mad because it would just be the two of you and I didn’t want that because I was selfish. I wanted you all to myself. Then we got into a fight and I told you to do what you want and you said some sweet things so all of my anger died down. We would meet on Monday instead, where I can make it.
So come Monday. You weren’t excited to see me when I came in the tea shop. You were more excited to see our friend (who is a girl) and you really really really missed her. I got jealous. You didn’t seem to really really really miss me. So that happened.
I had to go home early and I wanted you to go home as well but you and our friends wanted to eat dinner. I said no because I was going home. It was time to go home. I wanted you to come home but you wanted to stay. You got angry at me. You knew I was hurt and mad but you still ate dinner with them anyway. As the tric left I said “We should break up.” But you didn’t hear it. And God knows I didn’t mean it.
So when all was done and you were home you apologized. I said you didn’t love me. I had this feeling. I looked into your eyes and all the love was dead. You said that’s not true. You said you loved me. We said a lot of things about fights and not working but in the end you said you don’t want us to end because you don’t like ending things. I left you 62 messages about how I felt.
In the morning you didn’t reply. All you said was, “I’m sorry. I’m not in the mood today.” I was so angry because I left 62 messages and you don’t even care to reply. You didn’t even care to say anything. That was when I asked the make or break question. “Do you love me?” You said. “No.” That was it. You didn’t love me anymore. I love you with every fiber of my being.
That night I sent you more messages. About us trying again, about how great we were, about how we can learn to love again. The next morning I went to your house.
When I saw you my heart stopped. When you saw me your heart was still beating, just not for me. It was the first time I met your mum.
I wish you got angry. I wish you cried like you did in March. That would have meant that it hurt you to end things. But you didn’t. You didn’t feel anything anymore. That hurt a thousand times more than when you slapped me.
I begged you. Pleaded you. I tried not to cry. It hurt to hold back the tears. It was like I had a hand around my throat. I told you to look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t love me anymore at all. You did. You looked straight into my eyes and I looked straight into yours, the eyes that once looked at me and all my flaws and thought I was a masterpiece. They eyes that once showered me with love and admiration. Even when you didn’t say anything, your said told me that you loved me and cherished me. When I looked into your eyes then they matched the words that came out of your mouth. The mouth that left precious kisses on my face and on my lips. The mouth that told me “I love you” a thousand times but it was never enough. The mouth I loved so much and the face and body and soul that came with it. You said, “I don’t love you anymore at all.” That was it.
I asked for a day. For some closure. Can we pretend to be a couple for one last day that’s all I ask. If you were so sure that you don’t love me anymore, and you are, then after the day you would just move on with your life. But you refused. You didn’t want to because I might convince you to stay even though you know it wouldn’t be right and we would end badly again. I was not the girl you would end up with. You were firm when you said it was final. I gave you back the ring we bought on Valentine’s Day. You said you were just going to throw it out as you were going to throw out your ring. So I told you to throw them out together. “Throw them together. So at least they wouldn’t be apart.” You promised you would. Before I left I asked you to tell me one last lie. I told you I love you. You said “I love you, too.” At least I got to hear it from you one last time in person.
When you walked me home I told you I was going to wait and that I would always wait. Then I got on the tric and said I love you. And you said “I love you, too”. I told you I just wanted one lie.
totheonethatgotaway 