To The One That Got Away

I’m glad you left.

This would have been our 8th month together

If we were still together. This would be the 8th monthsary message I would send you. 

Hi baebyyyyyy. I love you sososososososo much hahaha happy 8 months my sunshine gumdrop cutie baebyyyyy. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I am so thankful that I have you in my lifeeee. No one ever made me feel like you did baeby. You are my sunshine my only sunshine. I love every single thing about you baebyy. You’re my good noodle. hehe you’re my squish. my darling squish. I don’t ever want to lose you baeby boy you are the love of my life. Thank you for staying with me and loving me and making me feel beautiful baeby. Thank you for fighting for us and believing in us even though we fight a lot. I love you baeby boyyyyy. Always have, always will. :* :*

So here is where our story ends. The book is closed. I thought we’d have a happy ending. I’m sorry. You said we could be friends but we both know it won’t be the same. That would be a whole new story. We were always great at being friends. I still love you. I will always love you, I think. I know it would hurt seeing you with someone else but I can learn to accept it. What made us valuable was that we didn’t last forever. We would forget or move on but what happened still happened. No one can take that away from us. You’ll always have a place in my heart as the first boy I loved so much I learned to love myself in the process. I remember you saying I was “the person you love you fucking much that you took all the love you had for yourself and gave it all away to that person”. I know that when you said that it was sincere and true at the time. But now it’s not. That’s okay. I hope we can become best friends again. I also hope that you love me again the same way you loved me when we were best friends. I think I know deep in my heart that we’re not meant to end up together, I’ll admit it soon enough.  

I remember a quote I read somewhere that became my personal motto. “You will need coffee shops and sunsets and roadtrips. Airplanes and passports and new songs and old songs, but people more than anything else. You will never other people and you will need to be that person to someone else, a living, breathing, screaming invitation to believe better things.” You were my person and I was yours. Our paths crossed again before, maybe they will again. But for now. I love you, goodbye. 

Quiet nights are when I remember things like this.

I thought I had cleansed you from my mind but I remembered a few things about us. What caused this was when I heard the song “Goodbye” by Chris Cab.

First: I remembered Valentine’s Day again. That night was the first time I snuck out of the house to go to yours. I was there from 11 pm to 2 am. We slept next to each other, it was like we were already married. I remember falling asleep in your arms, listening to your heartbeat and the gentle breaths you took that caused the rise and fall of your bare chest. I remember you saying “I wish we could stay like this forever.” It still hurts when I remember it.

I snuck out again another night. The same thing happened. You wished for us to stay in your bed, tangled with the sheets forever. I still wish for it now, I think.

Second:  Remember our first date? Days before that you asked me to watch the lip sync video of Emma Stone. She lip synced Hook by Blues Traveler. You dared me to memorize the fast singing part (not quite a rap) and sing it for you. I said I’d do it if you rapped the other song she lip synced, All I Do is Win. We agreed to the terms. I remember writing down the lyrics of the song and practicing them every night so I could impress you. When we sat outside, the place where I smoked, we shared a pair of earphones and listened to music. You brought up our deal and made me sing along to Hook. So I did. I remember you looking so happy and impressed. I remember being so happy because I impressed you. When I said it was your turn to rap you said you didn’t have time to prepare but it was okay. You said you’d do it another time.

Third: I remembered the time we spent on the rooftop. We were with friends. The sun was setting. I remember shouting “Romeo”. I remember the stars and the wide open sky. I remember your arm around me. I liked having your arm around me. When we laid next to each other I would crawl under your arm so I could have them around me. You’d always hold me tighter. I remember laying perfectly still on top of you so my body touches nothing but you, not even the bed. I would close my eyes and say, “I’m a cat.” You would always laugh and hold me closer. “You’re a cat.” You’d say.I remember sitting on your lap while you played Left 4 Dead.

Fourth: I remember the time you got mad at me because we were talking about smoking and you said I still wanted to but you made me promise not you. You said you hated the look of longing for a cigarette in my eyes. I asked you what you wanted. You said a decent girlfriend. When we parted I took of the rastaclat and watch you would always let me wear and put it in your locker with a note that said, “Give this to a decent girlfriend.” When class was dismissed you came to me and said you nearly cried how the note broke your heart. You said I was the girlfriend you wanted. You told me you loved me. I told you I loved you more. You slipped the bracelet and the watch on my wrist again. Up to this day, you have the bracelet and I have the watch. Your favorite shirt, your favorite hoodie, and your watch are all that I have left of you. I would give them all back if it meant I could keep your heart. But you took your heart and a huge chunk of mine and left.

Fifth: Before you I didn’t have a favorite song. Only recently did I realize that my favorite song was “New Perspective” by Panic! At the Disco. You said it was a great song. And simultaneously, as if it were choreographed, we both said that it was our favorite song when we were in the fifth grade. I didn’t know you when I was in the fifth grade. Nor did you know me. But for some reason that made me believe that we were soulmates. I said we should get married. You said we will. We won’t.

Sixth: I remember a few weeks ago before you ended things, I reminded you of the rap you owed me. You said you’d do it some other time. I remember you singing to me. I guess you never got to do it. I called you at night and asked you to sing to me before bed. You sang Wake Me Up by Avicii because that was one of our first common interests all those months ago when we first started talking. That was when I first heard of Rhythm of Love by the Plain White T’s. You also sang Gone, Gone, Gone; the song from the second Spiderman movie with Andrew Garfield. You were always Spiderman. And I was Gwen Stacy. But now she’s dead.

I thought I was over you. But it’s too early. And I loved you too much for it to be that easy. I know you’re not coming back.

I wish

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m fucking sorry. I wish I weren’t always jealous. I wish I weren’t too controlling. I wish I let you have your fun. I wish I didn’t pester you with questions and doubts. I wish I didn’t overthink too much. I wish I loved you better. I wish I were prettier, more appealing. I wish I weren’t insane. I wish I didn’t get mad a lot. I wish I were more understanding. I wish I didn’t nag. I wish I were more kind. I wish I were sweeter. I wish I were better. I wish I fought harder. I wish I had more time with you. I wish you love me again.

The end of everything

You said you wanted to go and hangout with some of our friends (which are girls). I said I might not make it and I got mad because it would just be the two of you and I didn’t want that because I was selfish. I wanted you all to myself. Then we got into a fight and I told you to do what you want and you said some sweet things so all of my anger died down. We would meet on Monday instead, where I can make it.

So come Monday. You weren’t excited to see me when I came in the tea shop. You were more excited to see our friend (who is a girl) and you really really really missed her. I got jealous. You didn’t seem to really really really miss me. So that happened.

I had to go home early and I wanted you to go home as well but you and our friends wanted to eat dinner. I said no because I was going home. It was time to go home. I wanted you to come home but you wanted to stay. You got angry at me. You knew I was hurt and mad but you still ate dinner with them anyway. As the tric left I said “We should break up.” But you didn’t hear it. And God knows I didn’t mean it.

So when all was done and you were home you apologized. I said you didn’t love me. I had this feeling. I looked into your eyes and all the love was dead. You said that’s not true. You said you loved me. We said a lot of things about fights and not working but in the end you said you don’t want us to end because you don’t like ending things. I left you 62 messages about how I felt.

In the morning you didn’t reply. All you said was, “I’m sorry. I’m not in the mood today.” I was so angry because I left 62 messages and you don’t even care to reply. You didn’t even care to say anything. That was when I asked the make or break question. “Do you love me?” You said. “No.” That was it. You didn’t love me anymore. I love you with every fiber of my being.

That night I sent you more messages. About us trying again, about how great we were, about how we can learn to love again. The next morning I went to your house.

When I saw you my heart stopped. When you saw me your heart was still beating, just not for me. It was the first time I met your mum.

I wish you got angry. I wish you cried like you did in March. That would have meant that it hurt you to end things. But you didn’t. You didn’t feel anything anymore. That hurt a thousand times more than when you slapped me.

I begged you. Pleaded you. I tried not to cry. It hurt to hold back the tears. It was like I had a hand around my throat. I told you to look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t love me anymore at all. You did. You looked straight into my eyes and I looked straight into yours, the eyes that once looked at me and all my flaws and thought I was a masterpiece. They eyes that once showered me with love and admiration. Even when you didn’t say anything, your said told me that you loved me and cherished me. When I looked into your eyes then they matched the words that came out of your mouth. The mouth that left precious kisses on my face and on my lips. The mouth that told me “I love you” a thousand times but it was never enough. The mouth I loved so much and the face and body and soul that came with it. You said, “I don’t love you anymore at all.” That was it.

I asked for a day. For some closure. Can we pretend to be a couple for one last day that’s all I ask. If you were so sure that you don’t love me anymore, and you are, then after the day you would just move on with your life. But you refused. You didn’t want to because I might convince you to stay even though you know it wouldn’t be right and we would end badly again. I was not the girl you would end up with. You were firm when you said it was final. I gave you back the ring we bought on Valentine’s Day. You said you were just going to throw it out as you were going to throw out your ring. So I told you to throw them out together. “Throw them together. So at least they wouldn’t be apart.” You promised you would. Before I left I asked you to tell me one last lie. I told you I love you. You said “I love you, too.” At least I got to hear it from you one last time in person.

When you walked me home I told you I was going to wait and that I would always wait. Then I got on the tric and said I love you. And you said “I love you, too”. I told you I just wanted one lie.

The two months that felt normal

I’d like to skip April and May. Because not much happened. We loved each other is what’s important. We fought about little things and reconciled like twenty minutes after. You broke down once in May, though. But that is not my story to tell, darling.

March

You broke up with me on March. You saw something on my phone about a stupid joke that I said that I shouldn’t have. I was stupid, told you. While we were waiting for the bookbind we sat together at a 7-11. You were checking the girl out on the table next to us and making comments about how pretty she was. It was torture.

When we got to your home you said we were just bestfriends. No more, no less. You said you were tired of all the same things and problems happening over and over again. You said you didn’t like the thought of being played. So as we lay in your bed you told me we were just bestfriends but you still loved me. I just wasn’t the one you’re going to end up with anymore. So you broke up with me. I stood up and got the box where you put all of our little trinkets and memories and looked through them one by one. We were both crying. It hurt to see you cry but now I was glad you cried because I knew you loved me and it hurt you to break up with me. I put down the box and moved closer to you and placed my head on your chest. We stayed like that for a while.

I said, “If you ever get in a fight with your wife, call me. We can run away together and live on an island.” You said, “No, I’ll be at her door and beg her to forgive me. I’ll make things right. Then I’ll take care of our son.”

That hurt like shit. So I stood up and looked for two of our friends and asked them to go to the attic with me. I invited them to a rooftop session. We all know rooftop session was a code for smoking.

I told them and cried. I lit up a cigarette and told them I could do smoke rings then I showed them that I could. They were impressed but my heart was ripped open. When I was on my second you went up to look for me and I saw the pain in your eyes when you saw me with a cigarette in my hand. You stared at me and I told you not to. Then I told you to call his friends back because they left when you came up. So they did and a while later you came up again and said,”You can go home now, bitches aren’t allowed in the house.” So I told you I was just going to finish the cigarette. You went down again and when you came back up you walked towards me and grabbed the cigarette and threw it out the window. Then you grabbed my arm and led me to the stairs.

I saw all the things and memories at the foot of the stairs. You stood there and looked me in the eyes and said, “I hate you.”

Then you dragged me to your room and started punching the wall. You said this was why you couldn’t trust me. Because I promised I wouldn’t smoke again. Because it was for the health of our future kids. I told you about how said you would have your kids with another girl now. Then you said you were still hoping it was me. You kept hitting the wall and I told you to hit me. You grabbed me into a hug and said you couldn’t. You dragged us to the bed and you straddled me and punched the wall to your right. You kept saying that you thought it was me and that I promised I wouldn’t smoke again. I told you to hit me. Just once. I wanted to feel something. Yes yes i know that was a line from a tv series. Don’t judge me. I told you how I needed the cigarette because when I was depressed I tend to smoke a lot. You’ll see how this is true in a few chapters. I said it was either I smoked or jumped off the roof. Because back then I wanted to die. You broke up with me. Then I yelled at you to hit me and you did. It shocked me. You slapped me hard across the face. Then you broke down and started apologizing profusely. You said I deserved to be with someone who wouldn’t hurt me.

But good news, we got together after that. You said you couldn’t bear losing me again. Ever. And I believed you. Damn, I’m stupid.

The storm started and passed

On February we took a cool off three times.

The first was when I thought you didn’t trust me. But we still talked and loved and acted like a couple. So obviously that didn’t work.

The second was for the same reason. We stopped calling each other bae and talked less.

The third was when I got jealous a lot. I didn’t want you to talk to my friends because I was so fucking jealous. You thought you were hurting me and I wasn’t happy anymore so you broke it off.

After the last one we never took a cool off again. What followed was way worse.

This one is for you and me.

January was a month that belonged to you and I. It was our month. Our moment. I don’t want to let anyone else in on our moment because that was for you and me only. No one can take that away from any of us. We loved so hard. That was when we loved each other the most, I think. And that’s enough.

The Beginning of the End

It was October. During the school retreat and on the last week of the month, a lot happened between us. In no chronological order here they are:

You lent me your jacket. I had nothing else to wear and I was going to borrow your t-shirt but you lent me your jacket instead and it was too big but you made me promise I would wear it so I did. It was warm and fuzzy and cozy. I got a lot of looks from other people when I wore it. You looked so proud to see me wearing your jacket. I felt so honored to do it. That night I slept while clutching your jacket. I smelled like you. I wore it the next morning. You didn’t have anything to wear and I offered to give it back because you looked cold but you said you weren’t. A few months later you admitted you were actually cold but you wanted me to have your jacket.

There was this dinner thing at the last night of the retreat. We wore dresses and the guys wore button-ups. I heard your friend ask if I looked pretty. A friend and I were jokingly holding the arm of this lanky boy who had a lot of girls that are friends. You walked up and jokingly said that he was now the best friend. I laughed and said it will always be you and let go of him and grabbed you. I counted my way down the line so I could pair up with you. So when it was our turn to be seated I grabbed your arm and we sat down. You pulled my chair for me, brought my plate for me. You were a real gentleman.

During lunch and other meals there was a seating arrangement. You exchanged seats with one of your groupmates so you could sit next to me. You were such a comforting presence next to me I never wanted you to leave my side again.

The night of the dinner thing the guy I cried over and I made eye contact. That was it. We nodded to each other and that was when all of the feelings I had for him evaporated. I talked about it with my friends and a few tears fell from my eyes. So that was how unloving someone felt. Boy, was I fucking wrong.

When it was time for bed my friend asked me why I wouldn’t give you and me a chance. I told her because I knew that out of everyone and everything, you were going to hurt me the most. I was right.

The last morning I gave you your jacket back and wore a purple one that was the same as the one of my groupmate’s. You walked up to us and said goodmorning and it was clear you were bothered by the jacket. It was clear then that you loved me. I was right.

You told me you loved me as more than a friend. You said such sweet words that all the air was sucked out of my lungs. I cried. Then I started telling you that I loved you, too. So we became a thing then.

When that happened you were so clingy and wanted to talk to me every second of everyday and I got annoyed after a day. I am so so sorry. I would give anything just so you would be like that again. You really never know what you have until it’s gone. I’m sorry.

So I broke up with you. I told you I was unsure and that we should stay friends. I told you I only loved you that way. Then I told you to stop loving me. I told you to unlove me. I was so fucking stupid. Now look what I got for that.

Your friends messaged me and I know I hurt you so much. So I decided to go to your house the following Tuesday. It was October 28. I remember exactly. I went to your house so we could talk. We were alone in your room. I told you I’d like to give you something instead. Like a way to say sorry or something. I kissed you. I grabbed your face and leaned in but you leaned in, too and I got scared so I pulled away and told you I was nervous. You said you were going to count to ten in your head and if I don’t move you’re gunna do it yourself. I wish you did it yourself. I wish you grabbed my face and kissed me then and there. So there I kissed you. At first you said it didn’t land on your lips properly and asked for another one. So i gave you another one.

The next day I went to your house again. I missed you. Then when we were alone I pulled you and kissed you. I remember that your lips were wet because you just drank water. I remember that I told you to wipe your mouth and I laughed. Then I kissed you again. Then right before I went back to the room with your friends you pulled me, grabbed my face and kissed me again.

We watched a movie that day. I laid next to you and even though it was cold you were still warm. When it was time for me to go home you trapped me against a wall and kissed me. Your lips always tasted sweet, I don’t know why.

When November 1 came, we talked about it. About all the kissing. That was when we became boyfriend and girlfriend. That was the happiest and the most nervous day of my life.